What happens when all intentions are put in place and then stop—–a “dead in the water” kind of stop happens?
While thinking of myself going forward, I was stopped literally and with such a force that my car was inoperable. While standing on an island surrounded by fast moving traffic, I viewed my car as a boulder blocking the river of cars, trucks, semis and anything with wheels on it, from going forward. Shaking uncontrollable, as I checked my physical body, an overwhelming realization filled my being of how lucky I was to have not been seriously injured or killed. In seconds “what” was, had changed. (a large work truck had slammed into the back of my car, and the driver with a Bluetooth in his ear and working on a mounted console computer as he sped down the highway never noticed that the five lanes of traffic had stopped).
Now in what seemed an eternity, as you wait for the highway patrol, I became the observer of all that surrounded me on my island in a sea of traffic. The “hell-bent” river of traffic was annoyed that there was a boulder in their way and honking, screeching, and curse words flung into the air, adding to the den of noise. I sensed a very primal raw energy. Each vehicle encased its occupant within that space and at times battled for that space, like ants following the line without consciousness. We have been trained and conditioned to abide by these rules in so many ways of our lives until something stops us.
What is insidious about a head injury is that when you have a head injury you don’t know you have a head injury. Visual acuity, plus a missed cueing regarding the spaces around me, only came into awareness as I began to heal. I would read something and my husband would say, “That is not what it said”. Not Good! Being a very mental person and not being able to read is like being in a desert with no water. Then as I sat down to paint, what I wanted to paint and the outcome did not match. The eye and the hand were not communicating. Slowly I have regained the person who was there before, only she has changed or been altered in some ways.
Crossroads require some time to linger and re-access which path you will take next. This is where I have been—-wandering—-seeking—-myself.
She had to wake up after being “stopped” and placed in a fog.
It is so interesting how I could be right next to someone and carry on a conversation, yet not be in my body. I was disconnected and struggling to be present, yet not able to focus or maintain the content of the words spoken. Each new day heralds progress as I slowly return to myself.
Being “stopped” created an “island” in my mind that has taken months to be able to reconnect not only with others but also myself. The view has been altered but the path is still before me. Drinking in the rays of sunshine and basking in the radiance of all that surrounds me is the gift from a moment in time.